Thursday, October 29, 2009

Monster TALL

I haven't written here for a while but baby, I'M BACK!!
What better way to reintroduce the world to all things TALL AND HANDSOME than by blogging, in celebration of Halloween, about the tallest and most handsome monster of them all-Frankenstein. Oh, his handsomeness is debatable you say?!? I beg to differ. His was a uniqueness all his own. His green, leathery face, full of weathered lines and undeniable character are reminiscent of a latter-day Clint Eastwood-meets-Kermit the Frog-on-steroids.
We all know that the ladies love Clint and the pig-ladies sure seem to dig Kermit, so is it really a surprise that the chicks were all over Franky?!?! Just check the picture below! There he is with his Bride-the woman he eventually knocked up and check her out! She's an undead babe!

Ok, ok..I know what you're thinking....what of all those rumors about him being gay?!?!
Well friends I can neither confirm nor deny this lurid gossip. All I'll say is Elton John was also married to a woman for a time. Maybe this painting, allegedly commissioned by his secret lover, can set the record straight ( or gay).

Friday, March 13, 2009

The Midget Agenda

The more I've reserched the history of the TALL AND HANDSOME the more I've come across an undeniably horrific pattern.
I've looked at the evidence from many angles. I've studied the trends. I've run the information through giant computers and the results seem to be the same. I'm convinced now that the persecution of the TALL AND HANDSOME can not be viewed as a seires of random acts of hate. There are no coincidences. Indeed, there seems to be something dark, small and sinister at work here.
I call it the MIDGET AGENDA.

You don't believe that there's foul work at play? Look at the evidence:
1) There are or have been an abnormally high number of short people in power positions around the world- Tom Cruise (5'8"), Pablo Picasso ( 5,4"), Napoleon (5'2"), Danny Devito (5'0"), Ghengis Khan (5'1"). Standing around 5'5" there's Vladimir Lenin and James Cagney, Lou Reed.These men stand (stood) around 5'6": Woody Allen, Dustin Hoffman, Joseph Stalin.
And how about "MINI ME" Verne Troyer who logs in at a whopping 2'8"!!!!

But wait...there's more.....

2) Automobiles have become so small that many a TALL AND HANDSOME individual can no longer fit inside them. As the apocalypse certainly looms on the horizon of the future could this be a way of leaving the TALLS in the dust to suffer while the shorts make their sneaky escape from Armageddon's walls of fire? Are the TALLS being used as a kind of human sheild to help "those that dwell underneath" avoid disaster?!?!?!

3) The living quarters in many metropolitan centres have dwindled to 500 sq ft or even less!!!!
No self respecting TALL can live in these conditions for any extended period of time without becoming deformed and twisted....possibly even dying.
Or consider this, they say a goldfish will grow to a size that comfortably fits its surroundings. Could the shorts be growing a race of small people in small apartments in order to create a small world after all?!?!?!

We're through the looking glass here people. The is treachery afoot. Our only hope is to learn as much as we can. Knowlege is power!

Monday, March 2, 2009


Dear short people on stilts,
I realize that your jealousy knows no bounds, but really traveling in a pack and wearing wolf fur jackets just to try and seem dangerous? Are you some kind of short Scandinavian lycan-worshipping gang?
And tell your women to take off those overalls. Everyone knows that normal tall and handsome people only wear those during Octoberfest! Even if it were Octoberfest I would still be pissed because I would have almost spilled my beer due to your spectacle.
Short people on stilts trying to join the world of the tall and handsome is like me trying to fit in on an island of midgets by sewing my shoes to my knees and walking around like Dorf on Golf- it's just silly and it hurts.

People on stilts are not as tall and handsome as they seem. How can you tell them from normal tall and handsomes? Typically they walk like they have permanent arthritis in their knees. They also have an aversion to termites as their legs are often made of wood although, what with advancements in stilt technology, this is not as common as it once was.
Shorts on stilts are frauds! They must be exposed!!!!!

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

I wan you to play with my Yao Ming-a ling-a ling

Yao Ming is tall, even for a basketball player, but his handsomness is questionable at best.
Apparently the director of the award winning documentary Shark Water asked

him to be involved in a campaign to help end the senseless destruction of sharks by blackmarket asian pirates and he was all like, "yes indeedy" but you know, in Chinese.
Who better than an Asian icon to help spread the word to his country folk about why shark fin soup is so wrong, right? Wrong.

Turns out shark fin soup is "good for the man."
Mingy, the tall, ball-bouncing bastard that he is, couldn't handle NOT serving the CUSTODIAN OF THE OCEAN as an appetizer to 400 of his closest jerks at his wedding.

All I want to know is WHERE was this guy?

Yao Ming is the winner of the TALL BUT NOT EVEN REMOTELY HANDSOME ON THE OUTSIDE OR INSIDE AWARD of the month. Suddenly he seems really small....

Monday, February 23, 2009

Tall and Handsome Awards

The Oscar is definitely the tallest and most handsome of all the self-congratulatory statues that smarmy millionaires can recieve once a year for portraying two dimensional characters in shitty rehashes of classic films.
Here's what you missed cuz you were doing something better:

Sean Penn might be the only actor that matters. Even if the rest of it was the same old shlock it was worth watching just to see this "tall and handsome on the inside" genius kick ass and say something meaningful. If you don't like Sean Penn I hope he punches you in the kisser.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Himalayas-ain't no mountain tall and handsome enough?

The world's tallest and most handsome mountain range is also the most deadly...coincidence?

Apparently they're not so tall and handsome that they can keep Marvin Gaye from getting to Tami Terrell? I find that hard to believe. I'm not calling Marvin Gaye a liar but I don't even think he ever owned any crampons.