Monster TALL

I haven't written here for a while but baby, I'M BACK!!

What better way to reintroduce the world to all things TALL AND HANDSOME than by blogging, in celebration of Halloween, about the tallest and most handsome monster of them all-Frankenstein. Oh, his handsomeness is debatable you say?!? I beg to differ. His was a uniqueness all his own. His green, leathery face, full of weathered lines and undeniable character are reminiscent of a latter-day Clint Eastwood-meets-Kermit the Frog-on-steroids.

We all know that the ladies love Clint and the pig-ladies sure seem to dig Kermit, so is it really a surprise that the chicks were all over Franky?!?! Just check the picture below! There he is with his Bride-the woman he eventually knocked up and check her out! She's an undead babe!

Ok, ok..I know what you're thinking....what of all those rumors about him being gay?!?!

Well friends I can neither confirm nor deny this lurid gossip. All I'll say is Elton John was also married to a woman for a time. Maybe this painting, allegedly commissioned by his secret lover, can set the record straight ( or gay).

The Midget Agenda

The more I've reserched the history of the TALL AND HANDSOME the more I've come across an undeniably horrific pattern.

I've looked at the evidence from many angles. I've studied the trends. I've run the information through giant computers and the results seem to be the same. I'm convinced now that the persecution of the TALL AND HANDSOME can not be viewed as a seires of random acts of hate. There are no coincidences. Indeed, there seems to be something dark, small and sinister at work here.
I call it the MIDGET AGENDA.

You don't believe that there's foul work at play? Look at the evidence:

1) There are or have been an abnormally high number of short people in power positions around the world- Tom Cruise (5'8"), Pablo Picasso ( 5,4"), Napoleon (5'2"), Danny Devito (5'0"), Ghengis Khan (5'1"). Standing around 5'5" there's Vladimir Lenin and James Cagney, Lou Reed.These men stand (stood) around 5'6": Woody Allen, Dustin Hoffman, Joseph Stalin.

And how about "MINI ME" Verne Troyer who logs in at a whopping 2'8"!!!!

But wait...there's more.....

2) Automobiles have become so small that many a TALL AND HANDSOME individual can no longer fit inside them. As the apocalypse certainly looms on the horizon of the future could this be a way of leaving the TALLS in the dust to suffer while the shorts make their sneaky escape from Armageddon's walls of fire? Are the TALLS being used as a kind of human sheild to help "those that dwell underneath" avoid disaster?!?!?!

3) The living quarters in many metropolitan centres have dwindled to 500 sq ft or even less!!!!

No self respecting TALL can live in these conditions for any extended period of time without becoming deformed and twisted....possibly even dying.

Or consider this, they say a goldfish will grow to a size that comfortably fits its surroundings. Could the shorts be growing a race of small people in small apartments in order to create a small world after all?!?!?!

We're through the looking glass here people. The is treachery afoot. Our only hope is to learn as much as we can. Knowlege is power!

AND KNOW THIS MY LANKY FRIENDS...WE WILL NOT GO QUIETLY INTO THE NIGHT!!!!!!

FRAUDS!

Dear short people on stilts,

I realize that your jealousy knows no bounds, but really traveling in a pack and wearing wolf fur jackets just to try and seem dangerous? Are you some kind of short Scandinavian lycan-worshipping gang?

And tell your women to take off those overalls. Everyone knows that normal tall and handsome people only wear those during Octoberfest! Even if it were Octoberfest I would still be pissed because I would have almost spilled my beer due to your spectacle.

Short people on stilts trying to join the world of the tall and handsome is like me trying to fit in on an island of midgets by sewing my shoes to my knees and walking around like Dorf on Golf- it's just silly and it hurts.

People on stilts are not as tall and handsome as they seem. How can you tell them from normal tall and handsomes? Typically they walk like they have permanent arthritis in their knees. They also have an aversion to termites as their legs are often made of wood although, what with advancements in stilt technology, this is not as common as it once was.

Shorts on stilts are frauds! They must be exposed!!!!!

I wan you to play with my Yao Ming-a ling-a ling

Yao Ming is tall, even for a basketball player, but his handsomness is questionable at best.

Apparently the director of the award winning documentary Shark Water asked

him to be involved in a campaign to help end the senseless destruction of sharks by blackmarket asian pirates and he was all like, "yes indeedy" but you know, in Chinese.
Who better than an Asian icon to help spread the word to his country folk about why shark fin soup is so wrong, right? Wrong.

Turns out shark fin soup is "good for the man."
Mingy, the tall, ball-bouncing bastard that he is, couldn't handle NOT serving the CUSTODIAN OF THE OCEAN as an appetizer to 400 of his closest jerks at his wedding.

All I want to know is WHERE was this guy?


NO SHARK FIN SOUP FOR YOU!
Yao Ming is the winner of the TALL BUT NOT EVEN REMOTELY HANDSOME ON THE OUTSIDE OR INSIDE AWARD of the month. Suddenly he seems really small....

Tall and Handsome Awards

The Oscar is definitely the tallest and most handsome of all the self-congratulatory statues that smarmy millionaires can recieve once a year for portraying two dimensional characters in shitty rehashes of classic films.

Here's what you missed cuz you were doing something better:

Sean Penn might be the only actor that matters. Even if the rest of it was the same old shlock it was worth watching just to see this "tall and handsome on the inside" genius kick ass and say something meaningful. If you don't like Sean Penn I hope he punches you in the kisser.

Tall and Handsome Kicks

Himalayas-ain't no mountain tall and handsome enough?

The world's tallest and most handsome mountain range is also the most deadly...coincidence?

Apparently they're not so tall and handsome that they can keep Marvin Gaye from getting to Tami Terrell? I find that hard to believe. I'm not calling Marvin Gaye a liar but I don't even think he ever owned any crampons.

Tall and handsome person of the week

Though there is an element of douchebaggery going on here this friendly fro-giant is our tall person of the week. With his 12ft wing span and tiny asian girl torso he really has it made in the shade. That's why he has a permanent backstage pass around his next. Everyone wants to let him into the gig because he's good for a circus-freak-style laugh and can do basketball tricks like a Harlem Globetrotter.

Giraffe (love) Attack

It's Valentine's Day. A day when even the tallest and most majestic land mammal of them all wants to tap that ass.

Tall and Handsome on the inside

Recently someone asked me if I thought it was possible to be vertically challenged and still be tall and handsome. The answer is simply, yes. Being tall and handsome is as much a state of mind as it is a physical actuality. One of the best examples of a person who is tall and handsome on the inside is Carlton from TV's The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.

While Will Smith is quite tall physically he has become such an egomaniacal dink over the past years that he has actually shrunk right before our eyes. Last I heard Will Smith was only 2.5 ft tall and not very handsome at all. Word is he shrunk right after the Barbara Walters interview where he claimed he could be the president of the USA if he wanted ..he just didn't want to.

Carlton would never do this. All Carlton wants to do is dance and wear polo shirts and help people. He shines like a lighthouse from the inside. That is why he is the first honourary Tall and Handsome on the inside person of the month!

Below is the interview that Barbara Walters did with Will Smith. She also talked to Michael Phelps. He's not that tall or handsome to a lot of people right now but I still think he's rad, bong or not.

Tall and Handsome buildings of the world

THC theme song

The Handsome Family wrote a tribute song about Robert Wadlow, one of the tallest men who ever lived. They're handsome. He's tall. 

T. Rex (the T does NOT stand for tall)

This fella looks pissed.

You would be too if you were constantly living in the shadow of that statuesque drink of water the Brontosaurus.

Imagine you come home from a long day at Jurassic Park. You just mauled another annoying paleontologist and he gave you indigestion plus your boss is all like "MORE CARNAGE, MORE CARNAGE" and you feel like telling that prick off but you bite your tongue and obviously it bleeds, you know, cuz your teeth are razor sharp. Basically it's another bad day. All you want to do is have a beer and hit the sack but you can't because there he is- your neighbour. Look at him standing there, glistening in the sun, eating the leaves off the top of the tree and getting all the chicks. His pad is better than yours, his clothes are better (well they would be if dinosaurs wore clothes), hell even his kids are better.

He's a constant reminder of your inadequacies and all he did was be tall and handsome.

So you go over and make a meal out of his family. Mostly because it's instinctual but also kind of cuz you have small

dinosaur syndrome.

It just goes to show you that the struggle of the tall and handsome has been going on for millions of years.

Standing on the Shoulders of Giants

The Gallagher brothers aren't super tall but they made up for it with this amazing album title.

This is arguably the worst album Oasis ever made but I'm not worried about it because I'm so tall I'm actually above the suck. You can stand on my shoulders to get away from it if you want. 

Tall and handsome people unite!

Wow. These people sure look happy don't they? Look again.

  

What you don't see is the hurt that gentleman feels on the inside. It's the pain of thousands of years of persecution. The persecution of the tall and handsome.

And it ends here.

If you've ever had to duck while walking through a door, you've found a home.

If you've ever had to purchase a slim fit shirt, this is the place for you.

If you've ever seen your reflection in a window and fallen deeply and madly in love, you are among friends.

It's time to take a stand. No longer will we be denied our right to be tall and handsome. 

Welcome to the Tall and Handsome Club. Our slogan is " We sit on the short."

Handsomely yours,

A tall person (who is also handsome)